Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Modified Onion article: this time, for women

Study: Men Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else

Researchers say this is what is happening 100 percent of the time when men don't answer their phones.
BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study released Monday by sociologists at Indiana University found that men will always answer their telephones unless mind-blowing sex with a woman other than the caller prevents them from doing so.

The findings were consistent across all demographic groups in a sampling of 500 males between the ages of 18 to 35, which included men who were romantically involved with the caller but had requested some time apart to clear their heads, as well as men who had dated the caller briefly but assumed it was understood by both parties that the relationship had not worked out.

"No matter who they were, or what their perceived or actual relationship with the female caller was, men who failed to pick up the phone were statistically all but certain to be deep in the throes of coital passion with one or more sultry, feminine lovers at the time of the call," researcher Patrick Berger said. "In addition, a vast majority of the male participants we observed had seemingly forgotten all about the relationship they once had with the caller, and were, in fact, completely consumed by the sexual gratification they were currently receiving."

"A type of gratification they would hesitate to even call 'sex,' since it was so much more intense and transcendent than any kind of sex they had experienced before," Berger added.

The study revealed that 80 percent of the time, men who declined to answer their phones were, at that very moment, being sexually pleasured by a woman superior to the caller in terms of looks, sexual technique, and stamina. Researchers also found that a majority of men picked up the phone, examined the caller ID, and told their female lover "It's nobody" before continuing with sexual intercourse.

In another 15 percent of cases, male research subjects had just journeyed to a land of pure sexual delight with another woman and were, at the time the phone rang, smoking a cigarette while letting their fingertips graze over the unusually tight vagina that had just brought them to, on average, four orgasms. The remaining 5 percent of non-answerers consisted of men who were stimulating their own genitals, either while talking on the phone to another woman, instant-messaging another woman, or simply imagining another woman who had sexually rocked their world on a recent occasion.

"It's true that in a negligible number of cases, men did not answer because their cell battery had legitimately died," Berger said. "But in each instance, they had either failed to charge their phone because they'd spent the night in someone else's apartment, or had used up their battery's power sending powerfully erotic fantasies to another woman."

The study emphasized that while men who failed to answer the phone were almost unquestionably with someone else enjoying the most volcanic sensual escapade they'd ever had, there was also the possibility that they were busy gazing deeply into another woman's eyes, knowing and feeling a type of love they had never known or felt before.

"In many cases, during the time of the call, the man was spending the afternoon with the woman at that museum he's always wanted to visit, afterward watching the sunset from the deck of the woman's boat," said social psychologist Michael Corbin, a coauthor of the study. "In each case, the man didn't want a ringtone ruining a moment of true spiritual connection with the first woman he had ever really, truly loved with all his heart."

"Sex, however, always occurred subsequently," Corbin added.

According to the researchers, the findings of this latest study are fully consistent with their previous behavioral investigations.

"Our prior research has already demonstrated that any communication between men and their old high school girlfriends will result in sexual relations and that a guys' night out invariably leads to sexual contact with multiple women met in bars," Corbin said. "We won't be surprised if instances of men getting a drink after work with that cool, funny female coworker they're always talking about yield similar results."

The study also concluded that 99 percent of men who pick up the phone quickly and enthusiastically do so because they are expecting a call from another woman.